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Stop Me If You've
Heard This... |
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An older couple began to notice
that they were forgetting things, so they decided to take a memory
course together. They took the course and were simply thrilled with
the results. One day while shopping in a local store, they met a friend.
"Bill, you just have to take this memory course. It's fantastic
! It's changed our lives," the husband said.
"Wow,
that's great ! What's the name of the course?"
The husband turned to his wife and asked, "Honey, what's the
name of that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You
mean a rose?” she replied.
"Yes, that's right.”
(PAUSE) “Rose, what's the name of that memory course we took?" |
Little Mary was sitting on her
grandpa's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she
would take her eyes off the book and reach up and stroke his wrinkled
face and then touch her own. Finally she said, "Grandpa, did
God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart. God made me a long
time ago," he replied.
"Oh, did God make me too?"
"Yes, God made you just a little while ago."
She continued for a few more moments gently rubbing his face and then
feeling her own. "Oh my, God's getting better at it now, isn't
He?" |
 The
Millers were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Miller made
it very clear that he was in a big hurry. "No expensive extras,
doctor", he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that fancy
stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I
wish more of my patients were as brave as you," said the dentist.
"Now, which tooth is hurting you?"
Mr. Miller turned to his wife and said, "Show him your tooth,
Honey!" |
A man entered a busy florist's
shop displaying a large sign that read, "Say It With Flowers."
"Wrap up one rose," he told the florist.
"Only
one?" the florist replied.
"Just one," the customer
replied. "I'm a man of few words!" |
A new business
was opening, and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers
for the special occasion. The flowers arrived at the new business
site, and the owner read the card-"Rest in Peace."
Obviously, he was upset and called the florist to complain.
After he told the florist of the obvious mistake, the florist replied:
"Sir, I am really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting
too upset, you need to understand that somewhere there is a funeral
taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying "Congratulations
on your new location!" |
Two elderly ladies
were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been
meeting there almost every day for a number of years, enjoying each
other's friendship.
One day the younger of the two ladies turned to the other and said,
"Please forgive me, but I've forgotten your name. I'm trying
to remember, but I can't."
The older friend looked back at her with a blank stare and finally
with tearful eyes said, "How soon do you need to know?" |
8
Benefits of Growing Older
1. There's nothing left to learn the hard
way.
2. You can eat dinner at 4:00.
3. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
4. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
5. You sing along with the elevator music.
6. Your back goes out more than you do.
7. Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
8. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. |
A pastor was walking
down the hallway of a local nursing home when he saw a woman sitting
in a wheelchair.
Thinking to himself that he knew her, he knelt down in front of her
and said: "Excuse me, do you know who I am?"
She responded: "No, sonny, I don't; but if you go to the
front desk, they'll tell you who you are!" |
| A woman who
had recently celebrated her 100th birthday was being interviewed
by a reporter of the local newspaper. "And what do you think
is the best thing about being 100?"he asked.
"No peer pressure,"she replied with
a smile. |
| Remember to smile a lot. It hides
the wrinkles!!! |
| Sir Winston
Churchill had recently celebrated his 80th birthday. At a news conference,
one young man asked the question, "Sir Winston, do you think
I'll see you celebrate another birthday?"
"I see no reason why not," he replied,
"you look healthy enough to live another year!"
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| Two ladies were
meeting for lunch one afternoon when one of them asked the other:
"Do you ever wake up grumpy?"
"No!" she said. "I usually let
him sleep in!"
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| Thought for
the day:
Stressed spelled backwards is Desserts!!!
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| If you don't want your children/grandchildren
to hear what you're saying, pretend you're talking to them.
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| How long a minute is depends upon
what side of the bathroom door you're on.
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| 
Church sign:
Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins'!
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| If Wal-Mart is lowering prices
every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?
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|  Lady
to the flight attendant:
"Please tell the pilot not to fly faster than sound. My friend
and I want to talk!"
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| Chuck Swindoll
said:
"There are only two kinds of people. Those who ARE
55 years of age and older and those who WILL BE 55 years of age
and older!!"
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| Remember, birthdays are good for
you: The more you have, the longer you live!
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| Patient,
after seeing his doctor.
Doctor: "I can't do anything for you. Your condition is hereditary."
Patient: "Okay, then send the bill to my father."
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| A Medicare patient awoke after
surgery to find a sign propped up by his incision. It read, "This
is a federal project showing your tax dollars at work."
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|  Just
when you are successful enough to sleep late, you are so old you
always wake up early.
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|  Drive
Safe, Or Else
One man found the key to safe driving for his wife. He reminded
her that if she had an accident, the newspapers would print her
age with the police report.
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| Come Again?
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one
fine day in October. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday." And the third man
chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a Coke."
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| Some of our favorite funny anecdotes,
cartoons and just plain ol' jokes!
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| Wake Me
Later
If you know anything about the speed of light, you'll agree
it gets here too early in the morning.
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| 
See-Food Diet?
Doctor to overweight patient: "Follow this diet, and in 2 months,
I want to see 3/4 of you back in my office for a checkup."
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| Perfect
Pair
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear
about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to
hear about the way his mother cooked.
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| Of All My
Relatives, I Like Me Best
Will Rogers once said: "I always like to hear a person talk
about himself for then I never hear anything but good."
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| On Friendship
Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some people become friends and stay a while,
Leaving footprints on our hearts.
We are never quite the same again
Because we have made a good friend!
Thanks for being my friend!
Author Unknown
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| Alphabet
Soup
If I were creating the alphabet, I would put "U" and "I"
together!
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| 1 - 1 =
2?
If you have a penny and I have a penny and we exchange pennies,
you still only have one and I as well have only one. However, if
you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange them, then we
each have two ideas. Try it! You may like it.
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| Just A Thought
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift.
That's why it's called the present!
Author Unknown
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Plus, He Was
A Bicycle Cop!
A policeman stopped a little old woman who was driving slowly and
slightly erratically. He asked, "Lady, do you know why I stopped
you?" To this she replied, "Yes, I was the only one you
could catch."
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|  Yeah,
But Would He Charge Overtime?
A tourist was standing near Niagara Falls drinking in the beauty.
The man remarked, "That's a lot of water going over the falls."
Another tourist from Texas chimed in, "I know a plumber who
could stop that in 30 minutes." |
| Honestly,
Officer...
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang. When he answered, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning
him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going
the wrong way on I-290. Please be careful!"
"No kidding!" yelled Herman. "It's not just one
car... it's dozens of them!"
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| A friend is a present you give
yourself by being friendly.
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|  His
& Hers
A wife was talking to her husband, "I've been thinking about
holiday gifts. We need to give each other something more practical—like
socks and... fur coats!
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| Change is inevitable—except
from a vending machine.
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| <BACK |
