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The Tale of Two Women

By Carla M. Campbell

Let me share with you a tale of two women. Each contacted the House of Refuge Ministries, a Christ-centered compassionate ministry that serves families in relationships of violence, within a week of each other. They did not know each other and had no idea their paths were about to cross. Both shared similar stories of enduring years of degrading and belittling verbal abuse, threats which often escalated into a push, a shove, or a hole in the wall from men they knew as their husbands. Home was not a happy place for these women. They felt unsafe, and their minds where held captive by fear as they desperately tried to calculate when the next verbal or even physical explosion would take place. The men that had once promised to love them "for better or for worse" now covered them with banners of violence, and they struggled to find hope for their dying marriages.

Did I mention that these two women where Christians and that their husbands professed to be Christians too? These women had come to the end of their spiritual rope with their verbally and physically abusive "Christian" husbands and now sought to be free.

One of the women, we'll call her "Debby," was referred to the House of Refuge Ministries by her pastor. Her pastor contacted us seeking counsel and assistance in ministering to Debby and her husband, both members of his congregation. Debby first attempted to stay with a friend from the church, but after her husband took her vehicle from the friend's house and subsequently threatened her, the location was no longer safe. Debby soon found herself in a 6-week residential domestic violence shelter and filed a restraining order. But Debby was not alone. Her pastor and church elders moved quickly to place a network of love and support around her.

Several years before, the pastor had the House of Refuge Ministries train a group of elders, men and women, in his church in the area of relationship abuse. He created a team to minister to couples in abusive relationships in the church congregation. The pastor placed Debby with a female trained elders group to support her. She was also paired with a female spiritual encourager from the House of Refuge Ministry. The pastor and elders made every effort to stay in contact with Debby, provide her financial support when needed, and encouraged her to seek healing through Christian domestic violence resources. They also recognized the importance of extending the love of Christ Jesus to Debby's husband.

From their training, they understood that Debby's husband was broken and needed love and support from mature Christian men. Like many men who have power and control issues, he wanted to quickly move back into reconciliation with his wife without truly repenting and addressing his behavioral issues. The pastor and the elders of the church held Debby's husband accountable for his behaviors and encouraged him to get help. They consulted the House of Refuge Ministries to recommend Christian ministry resources for men with abusive behaviors. Due to the conditions of the restraining order, the pastor and elders decided to have Debby's husband attend worship at a sister church. They also paired him with several men from the trained elders group to serve as loving support and accountability partners.

Debby is now in her own apartment, participating in support groups, and prayerfully waiting on God to do a work in her husband's heart. Debby's husband is attending counseling and moving along his path of transformation from abusive, controlling behaviors. If Debby could tell her story, she'd tell you that the manner in which her church responded to her family's time of distress is a tangible expression of the love of Jesus Christ which gave her comfort and hope for her and her marriage.

But this is a tale of two women, so let's continue with the story of the second woman, whom we'll call "Sara." Sara ended up in the same 6-week residential domestic violence shelter as Debby. Sara had gone to the elders of her church several months before and shared her fears regarding her husband's verbally abusive behavior. Over the years she had expressed concerns to her pastor and elders of the church. She and her husband had gone through pastoral counseling. And on several occasions, she had separated from him, yet moved back in. Sara's fears of abuse were heightened because of her recent back surgery. When she had a previous back surgery, his abuse increased. The church elders informed her there was nothing they could do and that everything would be just fine. But Sara's worst fears came to pass. She filed for a restraining order out of fear for her physical safety and was forced to flee to a domestic violence shelter.

Sara desperately needed a place to stay since the shelter was only allowing a 6- week stay. She was hopeful her church would assist her in finding someone in the 2,000 member congregation who would allow her to stay in their home for several months. Additionally, Sara was in need of financial help for basic needs such as gas for her car and personal items. To Sara's dismay she was told by her church not to contact anyone in the church because that would be gossiping. The elder over the church's benevolence committee would not return her calls requesting financial assistance. Furthermore, she, as well as her husband, where asked to undergo psychological evaluations. Sara was devastated. Surely they would make arrangements for her to freely attend worship services by instructing her and her husband to attend one or the other of the two Sunday morning services. After all, she had since met Debby in the shelter and had heard of the wonderfully loving manner her church had handled her situation. Sadly, Sara's church elders refused to make such arrangements, indicating they did not want to choose sides. On top of the hurt from the years of abuse and possible ending of her 10-year marriage, she struggled with feelings of abandonment and anger towards her church where she had served faithfully for 23 years. Where was the tangible expression of the love of Christ Jesus for her and her husband?

Now, let me ask you a question: Which of the above two churches best represents your church? Are you Debby's pastor or church leader, or Sara's? Women like them are sitting in church pews of every denomination across this country. One in 4 women are in relationships of violence in the United States. Remember, for every abused woman there is a hurting man who abuses, and countless hurting children living in violent homes. Twenty-eight percent of all marriages in America are relationships of violence, but most experts agree that due to non-reporting this percentage could be low.

Church leaders should prepare to proactively minister to families in relationships of abuse. No longer can the church sit silent while an epidemic of violence is destroying families sitting within our church walls.

So I ask again, which church is yours? Church leaders across America should take the steps to put a system in place to minister to families who are in relationships of abuse. That system should include a proactive education of all church members and an environment where couples feel safe and loved to seek help. Pastors should proactively seek out Christian ministries to train pastoral staff and church leaders, as well as establish a ready network of resources in the community to assist. The Debbys and Saras in your congregation need you.

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