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Porn-Ravaged Hearts: Rebuilding Love Amidst the Ruins

By Brenda Stoeker

Enrichment Journal, fall 2005

Hurricanes can devastate people's lives. Tears stream down faces as victims dig through the rubble and find the now grimy photographs of their precious memories. They wonder, What in the world hit us? Picking through the shards of broken dreams, waves of confusion paralyze them. With phone lines down and cell towers flattened, who can they call for help?

Porn's aftermath is no less devastating for a wife, especially if her husband is a pastor. Standing in the rubble of her marriage, the angry, aching confusion grips her unmercifully. She asks, What do I do now? Where do I go for help?

The pastor's wife has probably sensed something was brewing. Her husband has been staying later and later to study at his office, yet his sermons have lost the anointed edge they once had. Like a world-class horse trainer with her favorite horse, she can easily spot that nearly imperceptible hitch in his gait as a preacher.

She has also noticed that hitch whenever her husband accessed sexual images while surfing the TV. He stops for an instant before moving on.

She may have felt so stricken by her uncharitable thoughts that she pushed them away until that nasty gale of his sexual sin blew their home into ruins. Connecting the dots seemed much easier in its wake.

LINES FROM THE STORM

As a wife she had been wondering why her husband seemed so distant in bed, even during intercourse. He seemed to be in another world. Now she knows - he was in fantasyland.

It is no wonder she felt Satan was attacking her marriage. Her husband had compromised his spiritual protection over her with his own hands and eyes in cyberspace.

With the dots now connected, his wife is seething and feels like a fool. I believed in him and gave up my life for him. What an idiot I've been. She has a right to feel angry. Her dreams have been shattered. She despises her husband for how his sexual sin makes her see him. She is also panicked by how it makes her see herself. I knew he didn't have eyes just for me, but I never dreamed it could go this far. I feel so ugly now. If her husband remains blind to the full depth of her pain, it will crush her and render restoration impossible.

Even Christian leaders can be blinded to how shattered a wife can be when she discovers her husband is viewing pornography. I was sitting in make-up as we prepared for a major Christian television interview when a man exclaimed, "I know a woman who threatened her husband with divorce when she found out he had been hiding a stash of porn magazines around the house. I couldn't believe it. She's going to divorce him over a few pictures. Isn't that amazing?"

Yes, it is amazing, but not for his reasons. Pornography is not just pictures. Porn compromises a man's authority in the spiritual realm. It damages his sexuality. Scientists have measured a significant decrease in a man's concern for sexually pleasing his wife after viewing only six 1-hour sessions of porn. In addition, porn places a barrier between a couple's spirit in their marriage, whether the man senses it or not.

There is often blindness in both the husband and wife. This is not surprising considering the vast differences between men and women. To heal, women must completely understand the nature of male sexuality. That is why we included eight chapters on male sexuality in our book, Every Heart Restored.

A man is set up to fail in this sexually charged culture unless a father or pastor has taught him early on how to control his eyes, mind, and passions. A man's eyes can draw sexual gratification from the sensuality around him, whether he is staring at the babe in the string bikini or viewing pornography on his computer monitor. When he does, a swirl of titillating chemicals washes over the sexual pleasure centers of his brain. As with alcoholics and drug addicts, addictive chemicals form the basis of this sin's power.

To complicate matters, a man's brain structure allows him to easily indulge in pornography while still loving his wife with all of his heart. He can separate the two into different mental silos. Women find this repulsive and difficult to imagine.

Once a wife educates herself about the male nature behind her husband's sin, she will find his sin was not about her, her sexiness, or his love for her. This allows mercy to take root in her heart. But if a man wants full restoration in his marriage, he must be educated, too. He must understand the female nature behind her pain and respond to that pain properly.

Sex and relationship are normally inseparable to a woman. This forms the bottom line regarding sexual sin. A man's sexual sin crushes his wife emotionally. A man needs to take responsibility for how sexual sin hurts his wife and stop. If his eyes keep wandering down the beach or through cyberspace, there can be no restoration in the marriage.

THE BATTLE FOR TRUST

Considering the many differences between men and women, perhaps the best way to keep a balanced perspective on marriage restoration is to realize that once a man's sexual sin is out in the open, the marital battlefield must move from the sexual arena to the arena of trust. A man must fight to restore his purity and to heal his relationship with God. But as a husband, he is also fighting a joint battle alongside his wife to restore her trust. Regaining his purity will be part of that battle, but there is more involved than meets the eye.

When it comes to building trust, there is a catch. No one can manufacture trust on his own. Trust requires two ingredients: the husband must become trustworthy, and the wife must trust again. Each is responsible for bringing one of the ingredients to the table.

Trust will not grow without both ingredients, but a wife cannot bring hers into play until her husband brings his. Only one thing will allow her to begin to trust again - his consistent, faithful actions. Without right actions a husband will not have his wife's trust. If he wants her trust, it is up to him to earn it.

A husband may hate this responsibility, but his wife does not need to apologize or feel guilty should he sneer, "If you loved me, you would trust me."

Trust and love are different things. Even if he has been working as a pastor, he has also been acting like a pagan sexually, and that cannot be swept under the rug. It is God's will that he should "learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God" (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5).

HER HEART IS NOT YOUR JOB

If a husband wants his wife's trust to grow, his first job is to stop reframing his wife's lack of trust in him as a stipulation of her love for him. He has been untrustworthy to her, and if her trust is a condition for anyone's love, it is for his love - for his wife, and for his God.

In fact, if a man believes his wife's lack of trust is her problem, it is a sure sign he has not repented, and he does not get it. A man sees this easily enough in someone else.

A senior high youth pastor was fired for sexual misconduct with a 16-year-old girl from his church. His responses to the charges were revealing. He first denied everything and blamed her unstable emotional state for her wild dreams and stories. But once the facts forced him to admit there was misconduct, he claimed it happened outside of his work as a youth pastor. Restoration is hard when repentance is weak.

My husband, Fred, has worked on several restoration teams for fallen pastors. This work and his previous life of sin have enabled him to instantly spot genuine repentance. One situation involved a recovering pastor who angrily barked at Fred after only a few weeks into the process. "My wife isn't even trying. Here I am meeting with you and the rest of the team constantly, but she won't even try anything with me in bed."

Fred was livid. "Listen to me good. You did this to her. You did it, and don't you forget it again. If she doesn't trust you, it's your fault. You are lucky she stayed married to you. As far as I'm concerned, you don't deserve to be in bed with her yet."

This pastor could not see his lack of genuine repentance, but it was clear to Fred. Fred did not think restoration would be permanent for this man. It was not.

FLAGGING YOUR ATTITUDE

Here are some red flags that will help a man judge his own level of repentance:

• Am I impatient with my wife's rate of healing? Have I snapped, "I'm trying to become pure, and I'm growing with God so fast right now. What's wrong with you"?
• Am I impatient with my wife's endless questions about my sin? Have I snarled, "No more questions. I've put this behind us now"?

It is never behind us until a man has answered enough questions for his wife to put it behind her. A wife has every right to hear the complete truth from her husband about what he has done. Christ sacrificed all of His pride and position for the sake of His bride's beauty and holiness. Her husband must now sacrifice his pride and humbly return his marital relationship to one of beauty, openness, and connection.

• Am I impatient with my wife's lack of sexual desire for me? Have I lashed out, "Your body is my body, and you have no right to hold it back"?
• Am I taking full responsibility for my sexual sin? Or have I barked, "If you hadn't gained 60 pounds, this wouldn't have happened"?

If any of these flags are flying high, a man has not yet removed the enormous log from his own eye. Everyone around him should be concerned.

If a man's wife does not see any flags, it is time for her husband to ask her what she sees in their relationship. It is important to be a man, and be courageous. Simply note her words, and head to prayer.

THE EYES HAVE IT

While a man's attitude of repentance is critical, total restoration requires his trustworthy actions, too. Most men have not been taught how to sexually discipline their eyes and mind. A key question, then, is: Pastor, are you willing to read a book like Every Man's Battle and discipline yourself sexually as you are commanded to do? "Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his own body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body" (1 Corinthians 6:18).

To flee sexual immorality means cutting off the sensual images that cause the addictive chemical rush to a man's brain. Men must control their eyes and refuse to draw in visual sensuality, and take every lustful thought captive and toss it out of their brain.

SEEK CONNECTION WITH MEN

A lack of emotional connection with other men is a common reason pastors become addicted to sexual sin. Forming an intimate, close-knit group of men to offer help and support can help a man dramatically as he works to become pure again. Genuine intimacy with other men helps replace the false intimacy he has been drawing from his sexual sin.

HELP YOUR HELPMATE

Besides becoming trustworthy, what can a husband do to open his wife's heart to trust him again? First, he can encourage her to fulfill her role as helpmate in their marriage. "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him" (Genesis 2:18).

The word "helper" comes from a Hebrew word that means "a help as his counterpart." So what does a helper do? Fred explains it this way: "As a helper, a wife's role is to help lift her husband, boost him, assist him, and encourage him to Christian greatness (or maturity) in Christ."

If a pastor has been living a lie and is one way at home and a different way at church, he may no longer see himself clearly. A good helper can paint an honest picture of what a mature, Christian husband should be and point out her husband's blind spots for him.

A pastor should encourage his wife to speak freely into his life. If he silences her, the laws of reaping and sowing are largely suspended in his life. This enables him to keep a separate silo of sin.

It is time to stop hiding. Welcome her help in flattening those silos and, better yet, ask her to help define what trustworthiness means to her. Then, he should deliver the first blows to that silo himself:

• He should buy the porn filers for the Internet.
• He should place the computer in an open area like the family room or breakfast nook.
• He should limit his time on the Internet.
• He should pick up the book she has been asking him to read, like Every Man's Marriage.

HIDE AND SEEK

If a pastor's sin is still hidden, he needs to confess it to his wife now. She will likely be more merciful than if she catches him red-handed at his computer.

But there are higher stakes involved here. Sexual sin within church leadership dampens the flame of God's Spirit.

Christ warned the church at Ephesus: "Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place. But you have this in your favor: You hate the practices of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate" (Revelation 2:4-6).

The Nicolaitans believed their spiritual liberty gave them license to practice sexual immorality. Jesus praised the church in Ephesus for hating that.

If pastors do not hate the practices of the Nicolaitans and justify that it is not sinful to keep their porn hidden, Christ has a hard warning for them: You are far worse than they were. Not only have you forsaken your first love, but you also love what I hate.

God despises the sexual sin men practice in cyberspace. He was against the Nicolaitans. If pastors persist in hiding their sin, He will be against them as well.

The apostle Paul warned Christians to watch for such deception in themselves: "No immoral, impure or greedy person - such a man is an idolater - has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God's wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them" (Ephesians 5:5-7). Paul called immoral people idolaters.

It is time for a change. Ministers preach that David was a man after God's own heart. Do ministers want to be men after God's own heart? If they do, they must first stop posing as one.

When David was caught in his sin, he confessed it before God (Psalm 51). A pastor must also confess his sin. God will not despise a broken and contrite heart.

Even now Fred cries when he recalls hiding his own sin. It hurt him deeply to look into the eyes of his toddler son, knowing he would pass his sin down to his little boy. It ripped his heart out to remember his inability in church to connect in worship or prayer because of his sin.

Many pastors have been a mirage for years, and so has their marriage. They must open up to their wife. They must give God that opening He died for, to bring restoration to their heart, their wife, and their family. Courage exacts a heavy price at times. Pay it. Now is the time.

Brenda Stoeker, Des Moines, Iowa, is a registered nurse and seasoned marriage teacher with life experience in rebuilding a broken marriage. She and her husband, Fred, along with Steve Arterburn authored the book Every Heart Restored: A Wife's Guide to Healing in the Wake of a Husband's Sexual Sin.

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