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Surviving the Parsonage—Intimacy Issues for the Pastor's Wife

By Gabriele Rienas

Enrichment Journal, summer 2004

Basking in the glow of a surprise anniversary celebration, I exited the church beside my friend, who was also a pastor's wife. Our congregation had gone to great lengths to express its appreciation for our 10 years of ministry to them. The day was filled with warm expressions of love. They presented us with flowers, gave us a reception, and blessed us with a generous check. We received numerous cards containing words of appreciation and blessing. I felt loved and embraced. The close relationships we had built with our congregation were evident by their expressions. I looked forward to the future with this body of believers.

With a twinkle in her eye, my friend asked, "Do you feel loved?" My reply was a strong affirmative. She wisely advised, "Tuck the memory of this feeling away for the days when you will need it." A knowing look passed between us. She was not necessarily prophetic, but she was experienced. She was referring to the challenges a pastor's wife has and the ups and downs of ministry.

Deal With Expectations Through a Positive Self-Image

Being married to a pastor is similar to being married to the president of the United States. Even though the husband takes the official role of leadership, there are expectations and responsibilities that are inherently passed on to his wife — whether she likes it or not.

I am always troubled and perplexed by the wistful statement from the pastor's wife who says, "I was never called into the ministry like my husband was." I understand that the underlying inference is that "the ministry" carries a set of expectations, standards, and requirements that she does not feel she can live up to.

Many people have a mental picture of what a pastor's wife should be. They may expect her to look, act, or dress a certain way. They may expect a specific kind of church involvement or prefer certain personality traits. The expectations vary from congregation to congregation and culture to culture and are often not articulated until she fails to live up to them. This results in unexpected criticism or tension.
Many times criticism comes because we have not built close relationships with others. This lack of understanding can produce unmet expectations for both the pastor's wife and the congregation.

Early in our ministry I was criticized for wearing casual pants to the grocery store. My accusers never faced me. I heard it third-hand. I remember feeling defensive, hurt, and betrayed. I was trying to be a good pastor's wife, and this criticism was unanticipated and seemed petty. Even though I was outwardly indignant, at a deeper level I felt I had failed.

Dealing with expectations requires a realistic view of oneself. A healthy self-image goes a long way in developing the confidence you need as a pastor's wife.

As a pastor's wife I must remember that I am a person first — uniquely created by God for a special purpose. My Creator, who knew me before I was in my mother's womb (Jeremiah 1:5), gave me a special mix of personality traits and internal gifts to accomplish that purpose. When we embrace and develop what God has given us, we feel fulfilled and significant. When we try to be something else, we feel frustrated and out of sorts.

There are some expectations that are reasonable for a pastor's wife. It is reasonable to expect her to pray for her husband and the church, for her to actively support the church, and for her to make her home a safe haven for her family. However, there is room for individuality and variety that makes a unique contribution to the kingdom of God. A pastor who supports his wife in this liberates her greatly. The congregation will follow and be freed to do the same in their lives.

Understand that Conflict Comes From a Lack of Intimacy

Criticism is a fact of life. Learning to deal with it can help us grow. Church life is particularly vulnerable and susceptible to criticism. A congregation is like a family. People have spiritually, emotionally, and financially invested in the direction of the church. They take ownership of what happens and how the leadership accomplishes things. Discomfort arises when they have unmet expectations or feel excluded from decisions. When people feel their intimacy and trust has been violated, they often express their discomfort in critical, punitive ways and conflict enters the picture.

The painful reality is that sometimes friendships are broken and people leave the church as a result of conflict. This can be tremendously painful for the pastor's wife. People who are unhappy with the pastor tend to distance themselves from his wife whether she is directly involved or not. Occasionally, I have experienced a perplexing coldness from church members I happened to encounter around town. Later, I discovered they were upset about an issue that was church related but had nothing to do with me. After these frustrating experiences, one is tempted to become self-protective and distant, holding people at arm's length.

Dealing with difficult church members is also a challenge. Is there a seasoned pastor's wife who has not been accosted in public with complaints and criticisms from people who have an uninformed, skewed perspective? Others prefer to vent on the pastor's wife, choosing a nondirect way to voice their concerns instead of dealing with issues head-on.

The Bible encourages us to live in peace with one another. This is the goal of building intimate relationships. When we build close relationships, we are also building trust. When we trust each other, peace prevails.

Romans 12:18 adds to the perspective: "If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men." Paul concedes that peace is not always possible.

Scripture suggests we take responsibility for the part of the issue over which we have control. We should determine if there is a specific complaint that can be addressed. If there is, determine what needs to be done to change the situation and take the steps to do so. Too often, people are reluctant or unable to define their complaint in concrete terms. This reluctance is a sign they are discontent and may be projecting their unhappiness on others. Trying to appease them is similar to trying to appease a charging lion by a friendly wave and smile. It is better to pray hard for God to stop the lion in its tracks.

Nothing has more potential to get under my skin than uninformed, critical comments about our church. I feel defensive and protective of my husband. My first impulse is to fix everything because I know the painful consequences of conflict and dissatisfaction in the church. Unfortunately, my desire to educate, inform, rescue, resolve, or correct rarely brings the desired result. The Book of Proverbs wisely teaches that getting in the middle of someone else's conflict is foolish — "Like one who seizes a dog by the ears is a passer-by who meddles in a quarrel not his own (Proverbs 26:17). I no longer entertain conversations such as these. I direct the complainer to the person who is directly responsible. If it is my husband, I trust him to work it out the way he thinks best and to learn from that experience. In this way I step out of the middle of things and relinquish control.
Giving up control forces me to confront my fear of conflict. I have learned to cling to God's absolute promise of guidance and protection. The promise of Jeremiah 29:11 is a life preserver: "For I know the plans I have for you ... plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Build an Intimate Marriage

Marriage is difficult in the best of circumstances. Ministry brings extra challenges to the husband-wife relationship. Time management is a constant challenge. Sometimes there are not enough hours in the day to accomplish everything we want to for the kingdom of God. All too easily, the marriage relationship can take a backseat. A pastor with a need for approval or success can become totally occupied with church work and exclude time with his family. It is difficult to argue with his service for the Kingdom.

Then, too, the pastor's marriage is public. Their interactions are watched, scrutinized, and copied by others. If there are challenges, it is difficult to know where to turn. Pastors preach messages on marriage and advise couples with problems. Reaching out for help can be humbling and unsafe. In some cases it can jeopardize their ministry.

Trust is also an issue. The pastor is as susceptible to moral downfall as anyone. His image as a spokesperson for God makes him an attractive figure to women who are needy and unfulfilled. The challenge is to maintain a strong and open marriage and face temptations together.

The basic ingredients of a healthy marriage are unconditional love, positive regard, and unwavering commitment. In this atmosphere, a relationship will flourish and overcome obstacles. A successful marriage may have problems, but the husband and wife will successfully navigate trouble as a team. When ministry challenges begin to affect the marriage, it is a sign of underlying problems in the relationship.

One day a ministry couple sat in my office in great pain. She was bitter, resentful, and threatening to leave. He was alternately emotionally broken and defensive. Their list of complaints was long, but centered mainly around ministry issues. She complained: he was never around when she needed him; he was the life of the party at church, but emotionally unavailable or bullying at home; he was an absent father for the children. He complained that she was cold and critical, unsupportive, and preoccupied with her secular job. She blamed the ministry; he blamed her lack of involvement in the ministry. I pointed out that the ministry was not their problem — their inability to negotiate the challenges together was the problem. For healing to take place, they had to refocus their energy on their relationship and the dynamics between them that were keeping them from working together on the conflicts.

Each couple must negotiate the wife's degree of church involvement that helps produce a healthy marriage. Her contribution will vary from couple to couple. As a team, a healthy separateness in husband-wife ministry allows the pastor to answer to God in his calling of leadership and make the final decision on issues. I am happy when my husband discusses major church decisions with me but there are times when I feel anxious about his direction. There was a time when I actively attempted to influence his decisions with my perceived wisdom and insight. After all, my life and future were at stake and his wrong decisions would also affect me. He became defensive and conflict arose. I felt insecure, and my husband felt unsupported and criticized.

One young pastor's wife secretly shared with me her feeling that her husband was largely incompetent in certain areas and believed he would fail if she didn't help him. I doubt he had the same perspective. He began to share less and less with her about his daily activities, avoiding her unsolicited input and suggestions. She, sensing his distance, pursued him even more and conflict intensified in the relationship.

Relinquishing control and releasing one's future into the hand of God are difficult, but it is liberating and tremendously relieving to a marriage. When I see my future in the hand of my husband, I can become anxious and fearful. When I see it in the hand of God, I am comforted and at rest.

Ministry couples should be constantly working on their marriage. Regular maintenance on the relationship is a must. Spending time away, authentic interaction with other couples, and marriage-building events are critical to marital health. For needed help, biblical counseling or mentorship can be the difference between a bright future together or a devastating, destructive breakup.

Avoid Isolation by Building Meaningful Relationships

The most common concern of ministry wives is loneliness. A generation ago, it was believed that pastors' families should not develop close friendships with people in their congregations for a variety of reasons. Now, clergy couples are more open to friendships, yet the loneliness remains.

Most ministry couples experienced the pain of betrayal and disloyalty in the ministry. It seems to be a universal experience. Long-term friends that seemed close and loving suddenly distance themselves, drop out of leadership positions, and finally leave the church altogether. The pain caused by this loss of fellowship is wrenching.

Pastors' wives often do not know where to turn. There is an intense feeling of isolation that arises in a woman's heart when she is confronted with a painful situation and realizes she does not know someone with whom she can share it. Too often, the list of possible confidants is meager.

Still, we were created for meaningful connections with others. Solid, safe relationships are important to our well-being. Pastors' wives are not exempt from this need, though many factors threaten close bonds. I suggest that the pastor's wife develop a few relationships with people who are not connected with the church. This provides a place for her to step out of her specific role, and provides relationships that are not influenced by church issues.

Early in our ministry I sought out a large, community-based Bible study because I wanted to blend in with the group and not be recognized. Even though I loved being a pastor's wife, on another level I longed for anonymity and freedom from scrutiny.

The wives of fellow ministers make great friends because of their common experiences. An older, more experienced pastor's wife to confide in can be a treasure, especially for the younger pastor's wife. Whether they meet monthly for coffee or prefer a structured mentorship program, the goal is the same: to learn from someone else who has been there. The years teach us not to take things so seriously, to trust ourselves more, and to be less anxious to please others. Seeing these lessons modeled in someone else's life brings encouragement and a renewed perspective.

Friendships within the church are also important. In relationships there are both safe and unsafe people. There are certain characteristics of safe people such as maturity, confidentiality, honesty, and forthrightness. Looking for certain traits can help us choose wisely and avoid situations caused by our lack of discernment.

We must also be aware that church issues do affect church relationships. A friend of the pastor's wife also has a relationship with the pastor. This dual-relationship can affect the friendship. For example, if the pastor makes a decision that negatively impacts the friend's leadership position, it may bring strain to the friendship. Being aware of this reality helps us to objectively view this kind of difficulty.

The most intimate relationship we have is with our Savior. It is one where we find everything our soul desires: unconditional acceptance, approval, love, direction, and comfort. The potential to grow closer and more intimate is limitless. It is the ultimate place of rest, healing, wholeness, perspective, and comfort. It is the one support system that is instant, constant, and consistent. We must invest heavily in this relationship.

Being a pastor's wife has its shares of ups and downs. Yet, it is both challenging and rewarding. Navigating the ups and downs requires resilience and commitment to personal growth. Fortunately, God has made a firm commitment to see us through if we willingly submit to His participation in our lives. "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails" (Proverbs 19:21).

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