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Adjusting to a Change in Ministry

By Gabriele Rienas

Enrichment Journal, fall 2007

Q: We recently moved to a new church and I am struggling with the change. I was content at our previous place of ministry. I miss my friends and my former ministry. I do not know anyone other than my immediate family, and my new ministry area is well-organized and does not seem to need any help. I am lonely and cannot seem to get excited about being here.

A:Being married to a pastor carries the implication that change and relocation will most likely be a part of our lives. Sometimes change is welcomed, but at times change can be difficult.

You are in the process of transitioning to a new chapter of your life. A transition is both an end and a beginning. An end means loss, and loss — big or small — always induces some degree of grief. Any relocation brings unfamiliarity, discomfort, and disorientation. You have lost proximity of friendships and the fulfillment you felt in your former area of ministry. Grief is normal and should be expressed. Know that grief is a temporary state and will fade as your new surroundings take on a new reality for you.

Remember that new chapters also bring new beginnings. This means new opportunities, personal growth, and ways to expand your potential. See your sadness as a temporary transition period as you become aware of the possibilities.

Building new relationships will help you feel at home. Do not be afraid to form relationships with women in your church. Be aware that there are certain limitations because of your role, but this should not deter you from reaching out and forming warm bonds with the women God places in your life for such a purpose.

It is important for a pastor's wife to have at least one or two relationships outside the ministry. Explore the options for interaction with other women in your community. Is there a community Bible study, a moms' prayer group, or a pastors' wives group? These are great places to start, and they provide opportunities to meet women who have similar values.

Challenge your unrealistic thoughts about your new location. In distress, it is easy to exaggerate difficulties. Challenge blanket generalizations, such as thinking: I cannot relate to anyone; they do not need my help; this community is unfriendly; there are no resources or opportunities here. Ask God and your husband to help you see a more realistic picture.

Next, identify things about this new chapter that appeal to you. Is your location close to nature? Is it in a metropolitan area with many fun things to do? Is it within driving distance of your extended family? Does the church have great programs for your children? You may want to list the positives to help you recognize them. Begin to focus on the good things and expand the list as you become more familiar and aware.

Above all, remember that God is intimately aware of your situation. If you believe He is directing the course of your life, it must be true that He planned for you to be where you are at this time in your life. He has nothing but good intentions for you. Ask God to help you see exactly where you should be directing your attention and efforts during this time. Should you jump into ministry? Should you take some time to regroup and rest? Should you concentrate on your family? Should you focus on building relationships?

Several years ago my husband and I tried out at a church. I was adamantly against this transition, and I had good reasons to feel the way I did. Not only did I set my heart against it, but I also let my opinion be known to my husband in both subtle and not-so-subtle ways. As it began to dawn on me that the transition was going to take place, I became more adamant and stubborn. Finally, I whined and complained and stated my case before the Lord. Rather than sensing His reproof and disapproval for my unyielding behavior, I was instead showered with His love and compassion, His reassurance and presence. I finally yielded, overwhelmed by His love and care for me. It turned out to be an awesome season in our lives as a ministry couple, as a young family, and as a married couple. Did I experience the pain of transition? Were some of my concerns realized? Were there some losses? Yes. But the bigger picture held opportunities and experiences I failed to appreciate from my limited perspective at the beginning of the process. Thank God that He challenged my heart in His loving way. I almost missed a great opportunity.

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