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Close Friends With a Woman in the Church

By Gabriele Rienas

Q: I became close friends with a woman who attends our church. She has supported and encouraged me. I have been blessed and thankful to have her friendship. She was recently hurt by a decision about a situation — and the way the church handled it — that involved her teenage son. She knows my husband took part in the decision making. I now sense a growing tension between us, and she seems to avoid me. She refuses to talk about it with me and denies that anything is wrong. I am distraught about this. I do not want to lose her friendship.

A: I have compassion for your situation. Your pain is evident and achingly familiar to those of us who have been there. When people in our churches who seemed so warm and engaging gradually or suddenly distance themselves, we feel bewildered and abandoned. Even if we, as the pastor's wife, know the reason for their aloofness, most of the time we had nothing to do with the situation.

I am glad you were able to develop this friendship. You are capable of connecting with people and others consider you approachable and available. You are capable of reaching out to others and bonding with them.

Not long ago pastors' wives were taught to keep their distance and treat all women in the church equally. They were to bond with their families and children for support. They were also discouraged from developing friendships in the church. Thankfully, this is changing. Today, pastors' wives are more open to developing meaningful connections with others in the congregation. Self-disclosure has become more acceptable, although wise selection is still encouraged.

This shift has been positive, but it carries potential difficulties as well. While this should not deter us from pursuing meaningful relationships, we need to do so with care and adapt our expectations to the realities of church relationships. This brings us to the underlying dynamics affecting your situation.

Being a pastor's wife and a person's friend is technically a dual role. This means you wear two hats with your friend. Your friendship hat is your ability to relate to her out of your personality and your connecting skills. You relate as equals. Your relationship is mutual and reciprocal. Your pastor's wife hat is your connection to your husband, the church, and church decision making. Occasionally, church decisions are not negotiable or do not please everyone.

Sometimes the two hats conflict. In the case of this friendship, your closeness conflicts with the fact church leadership made decisions that are difficult for your friend. She seems to be having a hard time reconciling this. Because of her pain and frustration caused by the situation with her son, she probably blames the entire organization. If she feels your husband had a part in the decision, then you also had a part by association to him. It is similar to being friends with the wife of the judge who rules against your husband in a $500,000 lawsuit. Tensions probably will arise in the friendship.

If she were willing to talk with you about it, you might be able to agree to separate your friendship from the church's decisions or agree not to talk about it and concentrate on the strengths of your friendship. While this is not a perfect solution, it might work to maintain your connection.

In this case, she is not willing to talk. Once you have made your best effort to dialogue with her, let it go. You cannot force her to talk. Let her know that you will be available when she is ready. Unfortunately, this narrows your options. It means a wall of unresolved hurt has now developed between you. She may or may not be ready to repair the relationship at a later date, but this decision is entirely in her hands. You can do little beyond maintaining compassion for the overall situation and grieving the loss for yourself.

Grief is not something we seek, but it is a normal, necessary response to loss. Feeling the pain of loss is the unpleasant part, but grieving also involves forgiveness and letting go. Ask God to help you grow in your compassion for her. Understand that she is a wounded person whose response to pain is impacting you. Give yourself time for God's grace to help you to grow in this awareness.

Do not give up on friendship in the church. Friendships in the church may include possible risks and the potential for pain, but giving up may deprive you of some great blessings through future relationships. Use this difficult experience to grow wiser and more realistic about the realities of church life. In this way it has potential to become an unexpected blessing in your life — in time.

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